When Male Submission isn't Acceptable

        I had a conversation with someone recently, and it really left me thinking pretty hard.   He’s been my friend for years, and we’ve worked the streets together for almost as long.   He’s had my back in bad situations, and I’ve always tried to have his. 

        He’s going through a bad break right now, and most of the friends they shared are suddenly “her” friends – he doesn’t have many of us left.   I found out why when his now ex-fiancee sent me a nasty little text with a link in it last Tuesday, and the words  “Not the ‘real man’ you think he is”. 

        The link was to his Fetlife profile.   Where he lists himself as a sub.    Now, is it a public profile?   No – but it takes (as many have pointed out) about two minutes to create a blank profile to be able to browse and see other people’s images.    He had (he has since blanked out his profile) pictures of his back after a whipping, of himself in some pretty intense rope work, and a few of his “junk” being crushed by a pair of pretty sexy high heels.  

        In other words, nothing most of us on the bottom side haven’t gone through, dreamt of, paid a Pro Domme for, or thought about trying.   Nothing even particularly “extreme”.   At least not to me.   No video of him getting leathered up and pegged.   He wasn’t a member of the Bend-Over-Boyfriend groups.   No high res. images of him orally worshipping a TS.    Not even a drop of blood (just some impressive welts).

        I finally told him what she had sent to me, and tried to make him understand that it didn’t change a thing about how I viewed him.   We’re as close to brothers as we can be without sharing the same blood.   But what he went through isn’t the point to this writing.

        The point is, it left me thinking – what do you do when you’re in a job field, or a sub culture, where being male and submissive isn’t “acceptable”?    What can be done?  

        Okay, so you can hide it, you can lie; you never put up pictures of yourself with identifiable features.   You treat dating like a minefield, and you panic over every new meeting with a potential Domina.   Or maybe you even lock that part of yourself away, and just pretend it doesn’t exist for a few years).    You don’t tell anyone about it.  Which is pretty much a list of all the things I’ve done.   And I’ve done them to the point where my friend didn’t even know he was “confessing” to a fellow sub boy.  

        I can’t even try to commiserate with him, because I’m still too uncomfortable talking about my own proclivities – even having seen the pictures (and read the “fetish list”) of his.   So far I’ve just been giving him a safe place to talk, and buying him a lot of beer.  

        If she had sent that link to our superiors, he could have found himself at a dead stop in his career.  Or worse, without one.   To his Doctor?   Can you imagine trusting someone for medical help who looks at you like you’re just another “slave boy” trope from bad porn?   He’s Italian, and she probably did send it to his family – which explains why he’s spending most of his time alone or hanging out with me.  

        So here’s my question.   Not what can we do about it, as in “keep it secret, keep it safe!”.   But what can we do about the fact that in this society, being out-ted as a submissive man can ruin your life?    Is there some kind of literature we can write up and air drop onto communities?   Can we write Hollywood and ask them to set aside Christian Grey for a while, and do a classy romance movie about The Mistress in Red?  

        I’m not trying to make some big philosophical point here – this is just me writing out my confusion, and trying to find an answer I can give to a friend (and to myself) on something that I’ve seen a lot of other guys go through in this lifestyle.    The fear, the shame, and the angst. 

        And while there’s a small part of the community that openly seeks us out and tries to help, there’s just so many conflicting messages that it’s no wonder so many male subs feel they have to hide it.   Or treat it like sexual lechery, instead of a healthy lifestyle relationship.

        Female submission is a beautiful thing – that’s what the world and even our own community teaches with visual, written and non-verbal cues.    Male submission is something icky.   Something that many Dom males sneer at.  Many Dom females play into the “nasty little slave boy” meme and wind up reinforcing the sense of shame and angst.   There are even a few (a very rare few, thankfully) female subs who feel uncomfortable around and actively avoid sub men.  

        It’s not all bad.   There are also those beautiful, wise women who realize that male submission isn’t about being a weak man, it’s about being strong enough to want a partner who is challenging and stronger still.    Isn’t it?

        But that message doesn’t get through the static very well to most of us who choose to submit, and to try and find a partner.   It definitely dies a sickly death when it tries to pierce the leather curtain and get out into the vanilla masses. 

        So how do you be true to what you are, when you live and work in a career field and a sub-culture that makes male submission a crime?

        I don’t know.

        But if you do, let me hear it.   Because I have a friend who needs to hear it as much as I do.